Ever since Christmas, I’ve been diving back six years into the past.

This nostalgic attraction is a welcome distraction.

Thank you for giving me feelings, in contrast to the usual numbness.



That would be the best way to describe what I feel these days: “a hodgepodge of emotions”.

I feel like I’m standing in the middle of a race. I see the goal; it’s still so far away but I want to get there. Suddenly, the ground around me crumbles, and I am left standing on a stone pillar with a number of vague trails around me. Should I jump that way? Or maybe the other way? Then the goal seems even farther away out of my reach.

I want to move on.

One thing I admittedly really want is closure, but I don’t think I’ll be getting that anytime soon. This relationship was rather abruptly tossed out with the bathwater.

Hence, there are other options: be grateful, list down all the negative things and express, or just feel my way along.

I’ve mostly been doing that last option: feeling my way along. Some days, it’s easy to just lean back and think, “I should be grateful. For the end of a relationship and this new beginning. I should also be grateful for having even been in that relationship in the first place. It all happened for a reason.” Then, I get days when I just feel like a galaxy with the center ripped out and I’m spinning into myself.